I'M KEITH HERNANDEZ

i love this picture

2009-12-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

holy shit

2009-11-26T15:35:00.000-08:00

if you have time to kill, this guy has like 35 videos....unbelievable

White men can't dance

2009-11-25T07:50:00.000-08:00

we need to think of a good flag football team name. i say playstation 10 or twisted mental

2009-11-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

"I'm Keith Hernandez"

I'm speechless. I have no speech.

2009-11-01T05:36:00.000-08:00

O Cinco

2009-10-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Nippleman strikes again. Bungle in the Jungle baby. By the way, the Bears lost this game by 35 points.

My "Perfect Plan" for the MLB playoffs

2009-10-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

Since there wasn't any September drama besides the AL Central, I heard/read some talk about needing to change up the playoff system in MLB. The three most common arguments against the current system seem to be that the divisions get locked up too soon, division winners don't get enough of an advantage in the playoffs over the wild-card team, and not enough teams make the playoffs.

All of the ideas I've heard for a new system suck. My idea is better. (I don't really have anything against the current format. I just thought of this at the gym and think it rules.)

Here's my new MLB playoff format (I'm sure someone else has proposed this before and if so, I'll give them full credit):

a. the 3 division winners make the playoffs
b. the 3 second-place teams have a mini-playoff for the wild-card, which goes like this:

the day after the season, the worst of the 3 runners-up plays at the middle of the runners-up in a one game playoff
the next night, the winner of the previous game plays at the top runner-up in a one game playoff for the wild card

c. the rest of the playoffs are the same, with the wild card winner playing the top division winner

This format address all the mentioned issues with the current format (while the division could still get clinched early, there is an added benefit to finishing first overall because the wild card team will have to play at least one extra game before the series). And as an added bonus, gives us 2 sudden death playoff games in each league (how awesome was the Twins-Tigers playoff).

Somebody needs to come and poke holes in this idea because there must be some, but I haven't seen them yet.

George won't be wearing that again

2009-09-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

If every instinct you've ever had is wrong.....

2009-09-29T14:46:00.000-07:00

Just so you know there is one other person as confused as us about Jauron not going for it on 4th down with 7 minutes left. From Gregg Easterbrook on ESPN:

"Trailing New Orleans (which came into the game as the league's highest-scoring team) 17-7 with 7:30 remaining, Buffalo faced fourth-and-inches on its own 29-yard line. That cannot be the punt unit coming on the field! TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook, because with that little time left, you've got to retain possession or it's over. More important, by launching a Preposterous Punt, clueless Dick "Cheerio, Chaps" Jauron was informing his team that he had quit on the game -- so they might as well quit, too. With New Orleans ahead 20-7 and 2:25 remaining, the Bills faced fourth-and-23 on their own 14, and then "Cheerio, Chaps" went for it. So when courage might have saved the day, an NFL coach was hyper-conservative, desperate to avoid responsibility; when it made absolutely no difference what he did because the game was lost, the coach went for it."

And in other Bills news: "Same old me. Same ol' G. That's not going to change."

If you were to look up Destiny in the dictionary...

2009-09-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

this is what you would find: http://whl.ca/stats/player.php?id=25557

(plus he kind of looks like BK, no?)

What do you mean 'if you're an egg?'

2009-09-24T19:55:00.001-07:00

This has nothing to do with the Bills, but goddamn it is funny.

My new friend

2009-09-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm making the Wiz do this as soon as we get off the bus Sunday

SO PUMPED

2009-09-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

we'll disrupt your dance

Tailgate

2009-09-21T20:50:00.001-07:00

If this video doesn't get you pumped for tailgating next week, you are not human.

Poz-itivity

2009-09-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

I still Bill-ieve.
Tim Russert would have wanted it that way.

Go Bills!

It's the perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.

2009-09-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

I spent hours poring over the games this week and have come up with 3 locks. These 3 locks are not based on my hunches or opinions, but on 2 complex scientific formulas. I can't give up the formula just yet. Maybe one day I'll whisper it into the ear of my friend's boss' dying mother and she can shout it out as her last words.

So using the formula, I should take Washington, Jacksonville, Seattle, and Dallas. I can't bring myself to take Dallas, but I'm going with Washington -10.5 and Jacksonville -3 and Seattle +1.5.

You've just got to trust me that these are the perfect picks.

the corner of First and First

2009-09-19T06:01:00.001-07:00

So what's the feeling on this Kessel trade in the town of the Leafs?

The Toronto story I read seemed a bit wary of giving up those picks, and the Boston writer is sad to see Phil go.

I'm starting to get a feeling that I've moved into Ottawa/Montreal fan territory (geographically-speaking only [and you'd be surprised at how many people are legitimate fans of both the Sens and Habs - it's like I'm at the nexus of the universe]). And I don't like it. I can't get a vibe on the Toronto fans' mindset.

So what's the word?

Delonte West, more like Dillinger West, or Desperado West

2009-09-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

Did he say anything about ballistics?
Did I say anything about ballistics?

No, Nobody said ANYTHING about ballistics!!

http://www.seattlepi.com/scorecard/nbanews.asp?articleID=249800

The Litany

2009-09-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

- 4 Consecutive Super Bowl losses
- The Music City Miracle
- 3 straight years of MNF losses by a total of 4 points.
- Week 1 2007 loss to the Broncos on the last play of the game (Denver FG - also the game Kevin Everett was paralyzed on the field).
- The Drew Bledsoe era
- Rob Johnson over Doug Flutie
- Last year's loss to the Jets when Losman scrambled when trying to pass at the end of the game instead of protecting the football, fumbled, Jets scored and won.
- Robert Royal
- Willis McGahee's betrayal of Buffalo and the Bills
- Lynch's legal troubles
- No playoff appearances in 9 (likely 10) years
- Contract extension for Dick Jauron after 3 consecutive years of 7-9 football
- 2 games every season vs. the Pats - No wins since 2003
- A stupid 'home' game in Toronto every year when we should be playing outside in the cold rather than the sterile Rogers Centre
- JP Losman
- Poz getting hurt yet again
- The no-huddle offense being run by a team that can't complete a pass over 10 yards
- Wide right (versions 1.0 and 2.0)
- The look on Dick Jauron's face anytime the camera pans to him. Deer in headlights. Does not inspire confidence.

What else can we add to the list?

Shout

2009-09-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

This video makes me feel just a little bit better about Monday's loss. A little. It's nice to know that all those people were (still are) suffering along with me.

Q & A FAIL

2009-09-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

Why Monday night?!!? Why??

2009-09-15T04:50:00.000-07:00

Quick recap of last night's action. It has to be quick because I'm still trying to get my wind back after simultaneously getting kicked in the balls and punched in the stomach.

Since I don't have cable in my apartment, I ventured down to the Red Lion Pub to watch last nights game and grab a cold one. Unfortunately they didn't have any beers with lime flavour in them, but then I remembered that I was a man didn't need lime flavour in my beer. For the first half I was the only person in the bar (not pathetic at all), with MNF on the screen to my right, and US Open final to my left. The Red Lion Pub gets thumbs up for this.

I've tried pretty hard to erase the game from my memory, but a few things stuck out:

Just a beautiful pair of uniforms on display
What is the point of the no-huddle when you end up snapping the ball with 1 second left on the play clock every down?
Fred Jackson
I don't know what Simmons would call that game for Bills fans, but its gotta rank pretty high on his Levels of Losing
I didn't have any sound so I couldn't hear the insightful commentary, but it seemed like the LT Bell didn't have a stellar game. I think he had a couple false starts, at least one hold, and I think 2 illegal formations.
Just once I'd like to know what it feels like to be down by 11 with 5 minutes left, look at your quarterback and know "We're going to win".

For the sake of Bills fans, and their mental health, NFL - please don't put the Bills on MNF ever again. I called it after the Schoebel TD - how are they going to break my heart this Monday night?

"In the year 2000..."

2009-08-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

Look at that facemask. With everything that has gone wrong this preseason, I have a sliver of hope for the season simply because of how awesomely intimidating that facemask looks. Maybin looks like Linebacker 2.0. I bet he could activate the aliens' weapons from District 9. He probably has one of those computer screens on the inside of the visor that targets the opposition and tells him whether or not to Destroy.

I need one thing to be excited about and it certainly isn't going to be the offense. Thus, I'm putting all hope in Maybin, Poz's gorgeous blonde locks, and the Bills D.

See you September 6

2009-08-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

Stan, I'm adding a new prize to this years "Harlem World" fantasy football league. In addition to Tailgate Crew varsity jacket, this Jose Canseco poster is now up for grabs. You can relive the bash brothers everyday.

Oh yeah? Well...the Jerk store called...

2009-07-31T05:24:00.000-07:00

This is too good to not post here for you Stan. There's really nothing more that needs to be added, but it's nice to know that Michael Irvin would have been right beside us threatening Bledsoe too after that first bus trip to the Bills game.

From Yahoo Sports, via SI:

"Can we get Drew Bledsoe back out here [for] just a week so you guys can really fall back in love with Tony?" asked Irvin, a man with the gift of both Hall of Fame grab and gab. "Let's put Drew Bledsoe back out here, because sometimes when you have a pretty girl for awhile, you forget how pretty she is. But when you throw the ugly girl next to her, you say, 'No, I'm really doing well.' Maybe we need to bring Drew out so we know we're really doing well."

"We're not men Jerry"

2009-07-18T07:29:00.001-07:00

Tom Watson is a man. I'll be trying to watch the British Open illegally online to see if the "original" TW, or OGTW, can win this thing. I'd also like to see Goosen win because I read a crazy stat on ESPN's live blog of the open (a great way to follow along at work).

South African Ernie Els won the US Open in '94 and '97, then the British in '02.
South African Goosen won the US Open in '01 and '04, and is in the hunt at the British in '09 - all exactly 7 years later.

I don't know what that is, but it's something.

Get your Fantasy Football Notebook out:

Here's one bit of news to crank up the optimism of Bills fans. Lee Evans has been attending offseaon training sessions hosted by Larry Fitzgerald. I like that Evans is learning from the greatest - Jerry Rice and Cris Carter - but I'm not sure how much he can learn from Fitzgerald, since Evans is what we call a human being, wheras Fitzgerald was created in a lab.

Finally, "The T.O. Show" starts this Monday. Apparantly its got it all: comedy, action, suspense, romance, and a Fresh Prince-style reunion between TO and his extranged father.

belleville, whats good?

2009-07-13T15:45:00.001-07:00

steve mcnair

2009-07-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

sal did you hear about your all time favourite average point getter from fantasy?
your boi

I'll be back - we'll make out.

2009-06-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

I recently had a lively telephone chat with David Puddy about our shared love for the Toronto Blue Jays, the current state of the team, and the prospects for their future. Here's the transcript of our phone conversation:

(phone rings)
Puddy: Puddy.
Stan: Hey, can I speak to Puddy?
Puddy: This is Puddy.
Stan: Hey, this is Stan!
Puddy: I know.
Stan: So I hear you're a big Toronto Blue Jays fan?
Puddy: Yeah that's right.
Stan: I've actually seen you at a few Jays games, face painted and everything. Any reason why you paint your face?
Puddy: Gotta support the team.
Stan: So you clearly know a lot about the Jays. How do you feel they'll do for the rest of the season? Do you think they'll make the post-season?
Puddy: All signs point to yes!
Stan: Ok. Now I'm a big fan of aggressive baserunning, sacrifice bunting, stolen bases, all of that stuff. But I've heard you're completely opposed to having Cito let the guys steal bases. Any reason for that?
Puddy: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.
Stan: Oh, but it's ok for me?
Puddy: What do you care - you know where you're going.
Stan: Fair enough. What do you think about other Jays fans? I can't stand the frat boys who wear those shirts that say 'I love BJs' and I'm worried they'll ruin the atmosphere if we actually win the wild-card. Any thoughts?
Puddy: Well, it's the playoffs - gotta let them know you're out there.
Stan: Yeah, but our playoff chances aren't looking so great right now - you know that Litsch is gone for the year, right?
Puddy: No way, this is bogus man!
Stan: At least the Rogers Centre staff has beefed up the concessions this year. Do you have any complaints about the food at the Rogers Centre?
Puddy: Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that.
Stan: That's a good point David. Any thoughts on possible trades for the Jays? How about Coco Crisp?
Puddy: Right, Coco! That guy's alright - high five!
Stan: Any last thoughts?
Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.

Superstars - Terrell Owens edition

2009-06-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm a proud member of the Terrell Owens fan club, I thought I'd tune into "Superstars" on ABC - where celebrities and athletes team up.

T.O. is teamed up with supermodel Joanna Krupa. I think this is a good opportunity to see if T.O. can develop chemistry with new teammates, as he must do with the Bills.

In the first event, Joanna basically steals a bike out of T.O.'s hands and takes off, leaving him behind to run this course by himself. Most of the other teams have a much better strategy and T.O./Joanna. finish 6th. T.O. appears to handle the selfish move by Joanna okay.

They fared a bit better in the second event, finishing 3rd. But end up tied with Ali Landry and Jeff Kent and must face off in a "rubber match" - a tandem kayak race to determine who has to go into the elimination event. T.O. and Joanna do not look too happy when they realize that they have to race together.

In the rubber match, T.O and Joanna jumped out to an early lead, but later on crash and then completely implode. "T.O. and Joanna look very frustrated, throwing their paddles in disgust" comments John Saunders. T.O. and Joanna walk off the course in opposite directions and T.O. brushes off the sideline reporter with the response "I don't want to talk". Joanna then gives a backhanded compliment to T.O. in her interview, saying "I have one of the best athletes on the planet on my team, and we can't even finish a kayak race".

I have to say, I'm not happy with the way this is going so far. C'mon T.O. Prove all the haters wrong and show that you can be a good teammate. I don't think I can go through a T.O. - Trent feud this season after the way last season unfolded.

Here we are at the elimination course. Before the race, we get to see Warren Sapp destroy the second half of the course. Ralph Wilson, sign that man right now. He's still got it!

T.O and Joanna vs. Jennifer Capriati and some guy named David:

T.O is going to destroy David. But wait. He gets his foot caught in the cargo net and David takes the lead! Joanna is not pleased one bit. I think "Un-fuckin-believable!" was her exact response. I hope dearly that Trent Edwards is not watching this.

Joanna finally begins, but is too far behind to make up the difference, even as Capriati struggles (to say the least) through the course. Joanna then disregards T.O.'s handshake at the end of the race and absolutely loses it on him with a string of obcenities and phrases like "I don't want a teammate like that". T.O. and Joanna will now be in the final elimination race. They will face Lisa Leslie's team. I can't say that Lisa's performance thus far has helped the image of the WNBA in any way, shape, or form.

Looked like a false start by T.O. in the sudden death heat, but the ref lets it slide. T.O. handles the cargo net better this time and grabs the lead. T.O. can be heard cheering on Joanna as she is neck and neck with Lisa Leslie. This time Joanna struggles with the net and Lisa Leslie crosses the line, sending T.O. and Joanna home. Joanna again refuses any congratulations from T.O. at the end of the race. She shouts "I'll be a primadonna like you've been" at T.O.

Joanna continued to berate T.O. as they made the walk of shame off the course. I can't believe how badly this went. I gotta say that after watching this, I'm not at all optimistic that the Terrell Owens experiment is going to work in Buffalo. At least there is no way that Trent and T.O's relationship can end as badly as T.O. and Joanna. Right?

More GuJo

2009-06-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

One of the upsides of unemployment (only 2 weeks left for me) is getting to watch sports on weekdays. Afternoon baseball yesterday, and US Open golf starting at 10am today. Awesome. (plus Weir [who I love as much as Tony the mechanic loves Jerry's Saab] birdied to get to -2 as I type this)

Here's a cool video related to the US Open that features some great work by the great Gus Johnson.

The truth.

2009-06-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

I had a chance to speak with Alex Rios about the reason why he failed to tag from third base on the sac fly Tuesday night. Here's his answer:

"I never tag up. In four years of high school I would never tag up from third base ever again. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to tag from third. They begged me. The third base coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone...

I choose not to run."

- Alex Rios

hey guys

2009-06-17T15:55:00.001-07:00

Welp, that was fun.

2009-06-17T15:37:00.000-07:00

We're fucked, boys.

Remember how upset George was when he found out that his convict girlfriend was up for parole? That's how disappointed I am right now about the Halladay DL stint. And I have a feeling there's no comparable version of 'Fugitive Sex' to console me right now.

Dude looks like Hinske on the basepaths...

2009-06-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

Holy shit Rios. What the shit. For those reading, Rios just failed to tag up on a deep gapper with 1 out that would have scored the tying run in the 8th vs. the Phillies. There is no reason for Rios to not be standing on the bag waiting to see if the ball is caught, even if Leyva was telling him otherwise. Do you think Rios has a vision problem? Is he wearing swimming goggles secretly at home and mistaking onions for apples?

Either Rios or Leyva or both of them fucked up. LEYYYYYYVA. You got me on my knees, Leyva!

Don't tell Steve Kerr that Joey Graham isn't good.

2009-06-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

The Raptors traded 3-point contest specialist, and Bill Simmons look-a-like, Jason Kapono to the Sixers for possible brother of (my fav player in this draft besides Griffin and Rubio) Tyreke Evans.

As it is, I'm pretty happy with this trade (although not T.O. signing stoked). But then I found this from a Phoenix Suns blog, on the possibility of this trade leading to Phoenix sending Jason Richardson to Toronto.

"There are several ways to slice it that end up sending Richardson to Toronto where's he's a much better fit and freeing up salary for the Suns to sign a lower cost defensive oriented shooting guard to play behind Barbosa."

BC, make this happen. Take on Richardson's contract and move down 5 spots in the draft (where you can take a proven player like PG Ty Lawson or SFs Sam Young or Terrence Williams). Trust me, Joey Graham is no Jay Buhner. And with that I'll leave you with a classic.

Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

2009-06-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

Lyle Overbay is currently hitting over .300. The only possible comparison I can find to express my complete inability to come to terms with this unbelievable reality is Jerry's reaction in this video to Kramer's suggestion that Erika is the phone sex operator who Kramer used to speak with.

The G.O.A.T?

2009-06-07T08:22:00.000-07:00

I guess now I have to accept that Federer has surpasses Sampras as the all-time best.

T.O's Tweeting...

2009-06-04T20:04:00.001-07:00

JJ Nippleman here...More gems I found tonight from T.O's Twitter - available online here:

"I WONDER WHT CRAIG SAGER WILL B WEARING 2NITE? LOL!!"

Amazing. TO is be-bopping and scattin' all over the place!

BTW: I hate the Magic

2009-06-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

Kobe scores to make it 38-33 Lakers.

Mark Jackson: "Kobe realizes that it's Business Time"

From the list of "Worst Things in Sports"

Two entries for today:

1. Team names that don't end in S

2. Having all the home fans wear the same colour shirts. Especially when they are white, which is the jersey colour of the visitors!!

Ha!

2009-06-04T15:34:00.001-07:00

Apparently some people in Buffalo don't have their popcorn ready, and in fact may not even like popcorn.

Buffalo Bills receiver Terrell Owens posted a message on his Twitter site Tuesday that his search for a home to rent hit a snag because residents "(don't) want any drama in their neighbourhood! LOL!!! Wow!.''

Are you trying to tell me that Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

2009-06-04T11:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Alex Rios,

Have you ever heard of a curveball?

Jesus shit.

Rios is Pedro Cerrano. Rios no hit curve ball. Straight ball, he hit it very much. Curve ball, bats are afraid.

Buffalo, get your popcorn ready!

2009-06-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

From his user profile:

Name: jj
only three things in this world i need, food, boobs and NFL football.
go bears !
City: hooterville
Hometown: chicago
Country: United States
Occupation: balloon handler
Schools: of hard knocks
Companies: love valley balloon works
Interests and Hobbies: NFL FOOTBALL
Movies and Shows: amazing race, las vegas, lost, big brother, survivor, everybody loves raymond, idol, etc.......
Music: all music except acid jazz and vulgar rap
Books: rich man poor man

JJ Nippleman says: I call him 'TO.'

EDIT:
Since I know that you're dying for the lyrics to the new anthem for the Bills '09 season, here's what I figured out so far:

(INTRO)
Hello YouTube
JJ Nippleman here!
Making a little crazy video about that boy they call T.O.
I'm tellin' you - I call him 'TWO'
Here we go....

(VERSE - cue bumpin' bass line)
Wassup Bills? It's your turn baby!
Just sit right back and hear a tale
of a man they call.........T...Ohhhhhhhhhhhh
It started by (uh huh, uh huh) the 'Frisco Bay
And Superbowl 39 OK Philly flyyyyyyyyyyyyy

(CHORUS)
GET YOUR POPCORN READY! (What'd I say?)
GET YOUR POPCORN READY!
Buffalo! GET YOUR POPCORN READY!
Hey!

(VERSE)
Dallas didn't do it(?)
(Something something something)
MARRY THAT GIRL!
Get in the race (?)

(CHORUS)
Buffalo! GET YOUR POPCORN READY!
Buffalo! GET YOUR POPCORN READY!

(VERSE)
T.O.... TWO.. is coming to town
Hey that's what they call him
They call that...
STILL FLY
BIG TIME
BIG TIME
STILL FLY

(CHORUS)
Buffalo! GET YOUR POPCORN READY!
Buffalo! GET YOUR POPCORN READY!
I said Buffalo (HA HA, HA HA!) GET YOUR POPCORN READY!

(OUTRO)
It's On
WOOOO
Look Out man!
Yeah!
Sit Right Back!

Fin.

You're welcome.

We Like Roy / Be like the Boy

2009-06-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

Well I saw the best thing I've ever seen last night at the RC. Some dude was wearing a shirt that said 'Crunk State University' and it had a picture of a beer can on it. Actually, the best thing ever was Hallday throwing a curveball on a 3-2 count to the tying run at the plate with a man on 2nd in the top of the 9th and freezing the Angels hitter to end the game and record his 14th K. If that wasn't a ballsy pitch, I don't know what is. It's amazing how focused Halladay is on the mound - I was in the stands banging on the railing and yelping at Halladay and nothing could divert his attention. The man is a machine.

We need a new format

2009-05-31T06:10:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've been buying the generic brand of wax beans. I pull the label off - I can hardly tell the difference!

Well we've officially bottomed out....

Andddddd we're back. After a short period to shut down and re-tool, Sal and I are back in full force with shorter posts and increased hilarity. Sal suggested a 'guest poster' but I pretended I didn't hear his suggestion.

Anyways I'm going down to the Cable Box to watch the Jays sweep the Red Sux. I've got bad allergies and am sneezing like crazy right now - I hope Romero doesn't think I'm making fun of him.

All I know is he was sniffing

2009-05-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

With the news of Manny's drug suspension I thought I'd do a little investigating. Here's a little nugget I uncovered: Manny is from Central America. Jerry said it best, when people go to Central America "they come back with things taped to their large intestine".

So if you are a major league baseball player reading this, here are some things to look out for from your teammates that may be on drugs.

- Went to South America
- A lot of sniffing
- Uses the bathroom
- Uses a lot of slang: for example, when he leaves does he say "I'm splittin'"? Does he use the work 'man'?

Once you discover a suspect you can then set up a sting to catch him in the act. You know, like Abscam.

Boneriffic

2009-05-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go on record and declare that I am having more fun watching the '09 incarnation of the Toronto Blue Jays than I have had in following any other sports team in my life. They are up right now 7-0 on the Angels after 1.3 innings. Yes, 7 runs. Boners are abounding. We harassed Anthony Ortega and chased him after only 1 out in the 2nd inning just like Reagan did with Daniel Ortega in Nicaragua (finally, the opportunity for a Sandinista joke!). The Jays are hitting as if it's a casual BP session. It's like I accidentally left the Difficulty setting on 'Beginner' in MLB The Show and didn't bother to change it. So, so, so fun. This summer is going to be amazing!

The Doc was in.

2009-05-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

Hello all, have a few quick thoughts to share on my outing to the RC the other night (and last night too). The Halladay game vs. the Orioles was amazing. For one, we had a glorious heckler in our section in the 500s who I am going to steal my heckling lines from. The best was the repeated 'PITCHER'S GOT A RUBBER ARM! WHEEE OOOOOH!' Absolute magic. The best part was that he was there with his wife and 2 kids. The children were far better behaved than him and you could tell that his wife was getting annoyed. Great stuff. In terms of the actual game, Halladay was fucking nails. The best part was when Cito came to check on him and Roy clearly gave him the 'don't even think about pulling me or i'll slit your throat' look at Cito, Cito trotted back to the dugout, and Doc resumed by getting a groundball to end the inning (if I recall correctly). Totally badass.

Last night's game was great except for my continued profound hatred for Brandon League. He is absolute garbage and should go back to surfing in Hawaii. I hate surfing anyways - it looks so stupid and makes me think of Cedric from Laguna Beach, which makes me even more angry.

Nice attempt at a comeback by the Jays even so, and this team continues to show a lot of heart in games when behind. Sue Ellen and I even noticed the plethora of Jays jerseys and general level of excitement among the thin crowd up in the 500s last night. Far more engaged crowd than previous years. Even good ol' Stan was convinced to clap along and 'MAKE SOME NOISE.' Good times all around. Cecil starts today, meaning I am terrified, but it is nice having baseball on the TV in the afternoon while I nap and do nothing (yes I passed comps). Also, most importantly, I have game 7 of my ALCS to play vs. the Yankees later today in MLB 07 the Show. Halladay vs. Clemens. I'm pumped.

So what's wrong with League you might ask? Maybe he went surfing and still has water in his ear? Anyways, I'm looking forward to watching this team on their west coast road trip vs. the LA Angels. One must always be careful on the west coast though - it is LA and no one ever leaves. LA's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore!

I'm back...BABY!

2009-05-01T10:19:00.001-07:00

I'm glad Sal made a post on here - I have been busy writing comps for school all month and am nearly done once I do the oral exams on Monday. Who am I kidding, I do nothing all day and just pretend to look busy by looking frustrated all the time. I've been working on the Penske file for quite some time and I'm very pleased with all the sorting of material I've done.

Anyways I'm heading down to the Cable Box with Sue Ellen and Wiz to watch the Doctor administer some harsh medicine to the Orioles tonight. I really like the makeup of our team, notwithstanding the fact that everyone is jumping off the bandwagon because we lost two games in a row. God, by the way some people on Wilner's show talk, you'd think we were the Washington Nationals or some shit!

Figuring out a way to get Bonds and Griffey in the same outfield

2009-05-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

So it seems I unintentionally took the month of April off from posting on here. I don't have a semi-reasonable excuse like Stan - I've been hiding out in the Hampton's, but I'm afraid people may think I've died.

The NFL draft was last weekend and the Bills made a lot of unexciting picks. Two new O-linemen to go with a new center and new LT. Hopefully this new O-line gets to work together early to avoid any confusion.

Now comes 4 months without really any football news. Maybe I'll give Donte Whitner a call and see if he wants to get dinner at Mendys. If Whitner is trying to be the most fan-friendly athlete, I've got a way for him to stay ahead of the pack - Reverse Peepholes, "if somebody wants to help themselves to an eyeful, we say 'enjoy the show'".

The Jays are off to a good start and I tried to come up with something to write about Roy Halladay. Something about Everyday Balloons. I'm going to try to post more on here now that the NHL and NBA playoffs are in full swing (how about the Bulls-Celtics?), and baseball is underway.

GO CRAZY? DON'T MIND IF I DO!

2009-04-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

No beer at Jays home opener makes Stan go...something something....

Seriously though, this sucks. It would have been nice to start off our run to the PENNANT with a nice cold one or three, but I guess that's the price you have to pay when your home openers attract 17 year old idiots who have never had a beer before in their life and get hammered and start fights in the stands.

Now this will be scene on Monday evening:

Announcer: ...the windup and a 2-2 pitch. Oh, no, wait a minute, the
batter is calling for time. Looks like he's going to get
himself a new bat. And now there's a beach ball on the
field, and the balls boys are discussing which one of them's
going to go get it.
Stan: [not drinking] I never realized how boring this
game is.

EDIT: Yes I realize that the no-alcohol does not pertain to the Home Opener but is for the Tuesday instead. Whatever. Shut up, the joke still stands. Also, Sportsnet totally ripped me off this morning by making this same joke, complete with the video. Go to hell Rogers, You owe me one good joke.

I love you Cito

2009-04-02T12:48:00.001-07:00

In more Blue Jays news today, Cito Gaston is the man.

Here's what Cito had to say about Roger Clemens.

"He's an a-----e himself. A complete a-----e," Gaston said with a chuckle. "And I'll say that loud, right in his face. It was all about him. Ain't about nobody else but him."

God bless you Cito.

Look at George....GIVIN IT TO T-BONE

2009-03-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

One other point:

Whose name should I get on the back of my Jays jersey this season? Sue Ellen bought me a Jays jersey for my b-day last year and I have yet to get it stitched with my player of choice - any suggestions? This poll is open to anyone reading:

My shortlist so far includes:
- Lind
- Snider (ROTY candidate right here baby, swear to god)
- Rios
- Hill (if he is healthy)
- Overbay (just kidding, I would kill myself if I did that)
- THE DOC (as long as he doesn't get dealt)
- Wells
- K-EUGER
- Travis Sucks
- T-BONE (I do love T-Bone steaks, unlike WATKINS!)

This is an open poll - cast your ballots! Just don't make me be 'Koko the Monkey'

In other news, good on Romero for cracking the rotation. We saw him pitch at AAA in Buffalo last year when Syracuse was in town and he looked fantastic then, so I have high hopes for him. In fact, I secretly have high hopes for this team as a whole - I agree with Sports and the City: We are winning the pennant! Good on the Jays for getting rid of Thigpen cause he sucked, and slag off Russ Adams - no team out there wants you so just retire already.

THE DOC IS IN

2009-03-31T07:26:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I posted on here - I've been stuck grading essays for the past week (read: busy with the Penske file) and haven't been watching too much sports. Only 65 more essays to go. Nevertheless, I will make a pre-Opening Day post this weekend to discuss all of the things I am excited for (and dreading as well) about Monday night's opener vs. the Tigers. You can expect a laugh-packed post Tuesday as well describing all the ways that Jays fans made me angry the previous evening.

In other news, I have been on a huge Face to Face kick lately and just thought I had to post this:

Given that Halladay is pitching Monday night, I also had to post this:

THE DOC IS IN...OR AT LEAST HE WAS IN TODAY!

The jerk store called...

2009-03-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

"I'm better than Chris Bosh, I'd tell him to his face." - Zach Randolph

Really?

Kenny Rogers "Rooster"

2009-03-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty much guaranteed dead last in our little NCAA hoops pool. My title pick, Pittsburgh, has been underwhelming to say the least. But we do have a new fan favorite of the Keith Hernandez blog, Ryan Rossiter, a 6' 8.5" big man on Siena nicknamed "Rooster". Here's an example of the kind of athleticism that Rooster brings to the table:

In Seinfeld news, I probably wouldn't be vegetarian if this commercial were on TV today:

Are you ready for some BIG news.

2009-03-20T06:46:00.000-07:00

GuJo is back at the NCAA's today. He's in Minneapolis so make sure you watch Kansas vs. North Dakota St., Dayton vs. West Virginia, Boston College vs. USC, and MSU vs. Robert Morris.

Exciting games follow GuJo wherever he goes, so there's likely to be an upset in one of these games today. I have Dayton over WVU in my bracket, so let's rule that upset out.

And in hockey last night we had this:

I've been talking about this before and I am 100% in favor of premeditated goal celebrations in hockey. I'm sick of the "jump face first into the glass" move. Rick Tocchet voiced his displeasure with Ovechkin's 'unsportsmanlike display'. Wait, isn't Rick Tocchet the coach that was suspended and charged with operating a gambling ring while coaching the Coyotes? He is definitely the kind of guy who should be representing the NHL's moral code on sportsmanship.

This was supposed to be the Summer of George!

2009-03-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

Tournament time is here, unfortunately no Gus Johnson until tomorrow. I've got my lazyboy with the cooler built into the side all set. By Sunday my body will be in a state of advanced atrophy, due to a period of extreme inactivity.

My picks aren't looking so good through the first half of the first three games. If I'd have known that Butler's best player was a big white guy who wears a baggy t-shirt under his jersey (always a bad sign) I probably wouldn't have picked them (although that 3 before the half brought them within 6 so they're not out of it). Memphis is in trouble too. I've got them in the final four.

The Keith Hernandez bracket challenge filled up a bit. I scanned through everyone's picks and I think I have the most first round upsets. But the Wiz gets the award for ballsiest move, taking 15th seeded Binghamton into the Sweet 16. Lee gets the award for sucking the most for not getting his picks in on time.

Jerk Store is the line!

2009-03-19T05:51:00.000-07:00

Thank god that some sportswriters in this city are actually funny (read: Griffin is an idiot). Check out Cathal Kelly's response to Chipper Jones dissin' Toronto last week.

http://www.thestar.com/Sports/article/604614

Chipper Jones sure is talking a lot of shit for a guy who cheated on his wife with a girl from Hooters (who he subsequently got pregnant and married). It's too bad the Braves don't play in Toronto this year - I would have such a great comeback to heckle Chipper with. Guess what Chipper? The Jerk Store called and they're running out of you!

In fact, Sue Ellen and Sal and I had a rather animated debate about the whole espisode tonight and my choice of comebacks. Here's what happened:

STAN: So, guess where Mr. 'Hooters' turned up? He's playing
in Cleveland, Ohio in May against the Indians.

SUE ELLEN: Ohio?

STAN: Yep. I'm leaving first thing May 1st.

SAL: (nonplused) You're flying to Ohio, just to zing a guy?

STAN: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.

SUE ELLEN: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all.

STAN: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!

Ah hell, if the Jerk Store joke bombs, I'll just tell him that I had sex with his wife.

30 in 30

2009-03-16T16:41:00.001-07:00

Wait, what? Who is our 5th starter? Ricky Mint? Art Vandelay?

I'm bring a 'Ricky Mint for Cy Young' sign to the home opener.

Serenity Now!!!

2009-03-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more frustrating than following a sporting event online on one of those stupid 'GameCast' things and not being able to see what is really happening. Since the ACC quarterfinals don't get shown on Canadian TV I was stuck with this option for the Virginia Tech - UNC game this afternoon.

For those who haven't been following the ACC very closely this season, Va Tech had lost 6 of their last 7 regular season games (all by less than 10 pts), and needed to upset UNC today to have a shot at making the NCAA tourney field. As is often the case with the Hokies, they led a close game right to the wire before giving up the lead to "Psycho T" and the Tar Heels in the final seconds. Tech had a chance to win, but missed a 3 at the buzzer. So much for having a true rooting interest in this years tournament.

All that being said, I am so pumped for next week when the real action starts. I will be staked out in front of the TV all day Thursday and Friday expecting to enjoy a full portion of Gus Johnson.

Now that my heart beat has come back down to normal levels, I'd like to offer an invitation to anyone who wants to join the Official "I'm Keith Hernandez" NCAA tournament group on ESPN.
Sign up and join the group "Keith Hernandez". The password is: costanza. So far no one has signed up because they are all trying to hold me down. So go sign up, join the group, and invite as many friends as you can. There is no prize except for ultimate bragging rights. I'm going to make a college basketball post everyday until some people sign up for this.

ps. It seems that there are now some people who read this that might not understand why I care about Virginia Tech. I'm not going to explain it, but here is a list of the teams I root for in descending order.

1. Virginia Tech Hokies (mainly football because they have a better tradition in football than basketball, but this time of year is all about college hoops)
2. Buffalo Bills
3. Raptors
4. Leafs
5. Jays

I'm the Assman

2009-03-13T06:22:00.000-07:00

A new email today from the Buffalo Bills informs me that "According to ESPN's Outside the Lines, former Bills running back Travis Henry is now up to 11 children by 10 different women,as a woman recently gave birth to twin girls."

Fucking wicked.
Travis Henry is the Assman.

bumped from career day

2009-03-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

I just need to get that last post off the top of this page. That was disgusting. Last year when you asked me to help you pick an NL team to root for because you've never followed the NL before, I helped you pick the Brewers and was OK with that. But one year later, a year that included the Brewers making a nice run to the playoffs and sporting their classic throwbacks on several occasions, you're just going to throw Milwaukee to the curb like Peterman kicked his opium addiction.

To get past this I'm challenging you to ESPN's Streak for the Cash. We'll make one pick a day until one of us loses. If I win you can't make any pro-Dodger posts on this blog. My pick for Thursday is: Maryland over NC St.

Dodge Ball

2009-03-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

Since Manny re-signed with the Dodgers and he is the most exciting player in the league right now, I have chosen to cheer for the Dodgers as my NL team this year.

Here's a visual essay depicting all the reasons why I am supporting the Dodgers as my National League Team in 2009. Enjoy!

If the Dodgers are good enough for the Spice Girls, then they're good enough for me.

Asiago Special

2009-03-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

A few other thoughts from the 2 WBC games - Sal and I's comments for the US-Can game and me and Sue Ellen's notes for last night's Can-Italy matchup:

Sal and I both noticed that Canadian starter Mike Johnson (pictured above) looked exactly like any 'Create a Player with the option of Facial Hair' in any sports video game ever created. Facial Hair #5 pitched ok, and decent enough to keep Canada in the game, so we were most appreciative. Seriously though, you couldn't pick that guy out of a lineup of one (Him?).

We wandered the 100 level for a minute so I could grab some better food before heading up to our seats in the 500. I scored a Corned Beef sandwich with spicy mustard (just like George likes). It's always such a great feeling to walk around the 500 level with that quality of food - everyone looks at you like you're a king among men. Which is true. The sandwich was surprisingly good - I suspect because I could see the staff slicing the fresh meat with the SP2000. You should have seen how thin that meat was. See that's all surface area - the taste has nowhere to hide. I went to go get the staff an extra case of Kaiser rolls, but I couldn't find that stock room they talked about.

Sue Ellen and I had a bet last night in the game vs. Italy about how long it would take for the drunk Canadian crowd to turn to pseudo-racist hecklings towards the Italian players. We both thought the 3rd inning was the likely time, but we were proven wrong. In the 2nd inning, some dumbass in our section shouted toward the Italian pitcher 'Give him the Asiago Special.' This wasn't funny (nor does it make any sense), but it did make me hungry for an Asiago cheese pizza. So, partial high five I guess.

The decision to play Sweet Caroline in both games was total BS - that's not our thing and the people at the RC should know that. Also annoying was the dumbass in front of us who heckled Matt Stairs while he played right field (STAAAAAAAAAIRS = weak) but then cheered him while at the plate. He was in the same group as the guy who thought Scutaro should be our full time DH, so I guess idiots travel in packs.

All in all, I had a good sandwich and racism still isn't funny. I'm going to get some pizza.

2009-03-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

Off to the Canada Italy game with Sue Ellen Michke. Can't wait to heckle.....wait... no one worth heckling on Italy.

Let's go Canada!

JO-EY-VOT-TO!

BE HAPPY!

2009-03-07T16:01:00.001-08:00

This may just be the best night in Buffalo Bills fandom in a decade. We signed TO. Holy shit, we signed TO. Ohhhhhhh baby.

I don't care that he's a locker room cancer. All I know is he is one of the best WRs in the game, and with him in tow, we have a legit shot next year at being a contending playoff team.

But even better news: I log onto the Bills site to confirm the news and then turn the TV on to NFL Network - what else is on at that exact moment but the video of Steve Christie kicking the game winning FG in the greatest comeback in NFL history in 1993 over the Oilers?

This must be a sign. It HAS to be a sign.

Sweet!

Massive playoff Bills boners!

Well... I got Gonorrhea!

2009-03-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have heard about A-Rod's recent health concerns and the possibility that he might have to undergo surgery on his 'hip.'

What you haven't heard is the real truth about A-Rod's health concerns.

Here's the transcript I obtained of A-Rod telling team doctors about his first night meeting Madonna, and the subsequent health problems that followed :

Doctor #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?

A-Rod: Just a little burning during urination.

Doctor #1: Okay, any other pain?

A-Rod: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (A-Rod turns down the lights and lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.

Doctor #1: Gonorrhea!

And you call that the Tractor Story?

WBC

2009-03-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

For those reading, Sal and I will be making an appearance at the WBC game tomorrow to watch Canada pummel the Americans. Look for us to get kicked out by trying to sneak down to good seats to heckle Ted Lilly. Or better yet, find us in 515 getting our drink on in the most patriotic manner possible. If Canada wins, Matt Stairs can count on getting his ass hammered by yours truly.

2009-03-05T16:51:00.001-08:00

In other hockey news, Steve Downie is such a piece of shit.

To appease the Wiz

2009-03-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

Just to please Travis, here's my NHL trade deadline post. So far the Leafs picked up Gerber (ughh), Toskala reportedly out for the season, and Jokinen is off to the Flames. Antoine Vermette has also been exiled to Siberia (or Columbus). More to follow as I sit in the library watching the updates instead of working.

Oh, and Recchi picked up by Boston from TB. Wait, isn't he like 80 years old? I wish the NFL had a day as suspensful as Trade Deadline day for the NHL - this is so fun.

65 minutes to go and still no movement on Antropov or Moore.

Bill Guerin, who, like Recchi, was also born while the freaking Vietnam War was still going on, is off to the Pens.

26 minutes.... Hurry up Burke...

Update: Antropov to the Rangers with 13 mins left to spare! We get a 2nd rounder and a Conditional pick. This is way below expectations, no? Not even a 1st rounder??

Live Bloggin'

2009-03-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

Thought I would live-blog today's Canada-Jays game since it's the first Jays spring training action I've seen on TV.

I was all pumped to watch the game today until I realized that a new season of Jays baseball also meant another season of Jamie Campbell. Good Lord.

Top of 1st - Maroth looks like poo so far. Pullin' a Romero so far - can't hit the strike zone at all. Canada actually has a decent lineup, and our pitching would be impressive if everyone were healthy (Francis, Harden, Dempster). Russ Adams is lucky as shit that JMac pulled down that high flip - look at Adams thinking he's so cool with his complicated shoes. Maroth K's Morneau with the help of a kind ump so calls an outside pitch a strike (though what do I know, I'm live blogging an exhibition game in the same clothes I wore yesterday)

B of 1st - Ritchmond (aka Josh Towers V 2.0) is going to get pulverized today and the rest of the spring - I can just feel it. Adams up and crushes a double - His arms look bigger than last year. Get lost Adams, you're not making this club. Campbell does a nice job of situation hitting to bring Inglett home. Lane (aka Gabe Gross V 2.0) up at the plate and looking to assert his dominance as a spring training flash in the pan. Barrett at the plate - what are the chances that we could convince Barrett to throw a few punches at Russ Adams in the dugout this spring? or better yet, bring Lilly back and let Barrett and Gibby double team Lilly. Anyways 1-0 Jays. Yes, I love this 'don't drive and drive' song - so catchy. Maybe I will contact that band to see if they need an extra guitarist.

T of 2nd - Teahen at the plate, who if you didn't know, plays for a supposed (but still unconfirmed) MLB Team known as the Kansas City Royals. Teahen K'd by Maroth, which goes to show you just how shitty the Royals really are. Stairsy up and looking to get his ass hammered but Maroth sets him down too. Someone must have told Maroth to 'get in that ass and tell him that Mike Maroth was here!' Corey Koskie now back from the dead, although he may not know where he is right now. I think he just went up to the plate and called Barrett 'Yo Yo Ma.' Koskie plunked and will be sent to the ER. Some jabroni for Canada knocks in 2 runs for Canada and ensures that Maroth will be selling cars with Gil from the Simpsons in another month. Canada up 2-1.

B of 2nd - Pumped to see Loewen finally, though he kind of looks like Jeremy Accardo, which is really not a good thing. Loewen pulls an Alex Rios and doesn't run out a topped ball, meaning Cito is about to freak on him. I can't help but feel right now like I'm watching the baseball version of last night's Avs vs. Islanders game. Buck Coats stupidly chases a pitch in the dirt, inflating Richmond's stats and his ego. 2-1 Can.

T of 3rd - Castro (Dwayne again?) pitching for the Jays. Martin at 3rd after a double. Stupid Russ Adams misplays a ground ball and I am ready to go to Dunedin and yank him off the field myself. 3-1 Canada. At the plate, Jason Bay - who just may, go eat hay, down by the way - whadda say? Adams again gets his ass saved by a nice play by JMac, though Sam Costantino or whatever his name is clearly isn't watching the same game that I am. Good god this is painfully boring - there's no way I'm doing this whole game. I will do 4 innings and then I'm outta here - I'm not interested in watching someone play 2nd base who is LOWER than Russ Adams on the Jays depth chart. Stairs K'd - Canada 3-1 still.

B of 3rd - Richmond actually looking good, though I wouldn't get too excited over the fact that he got JMac and Inglett out. Stupid Russ Adams up again and draws a walk, sauntering down to 1st base. If that guy wants to ever play in the majors again, he needs to be hustling down the 1st base line in David Eckstein-like fashion. I didn't know that Campbell is from Gonzaga - for some reason, I see this as very promising. In Encino Man, doesn't Brendan Fraser's character call some girl's boobs 'Gonzagas'?? Yes, he definitely does. BETTY! I think the mantra of the Jays this year should be 'Wheez the Juice.' Lane chalks up another RBI, forcing Richmond / Towers out of the game. Anyways, inning over, 3-2 Canada. I'm done - this is too boring and I'm a very important person with very important thing to do. Give me a break, it's spring training.

Wheez the Juice.

Hate the Drake

2009-03-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

See what they did there? They made it seem like Paulus is a homosexual.

GuJo

2009-02-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

Get psyched mix

College basketball! March Madness! Going to set up a pool! Will post when ready! Can't stop writing short sentences!

(NCAA hoops afterthought: Costanza is Dick Vitale? I think so baby!)

El Presidente!

2009-02-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

2 more weeks until the World Baseball Classic. Normally I wouldn't care really about this contest, but given the current state of my sports depression (see my post below for more), any type of baseball is better than watching Poker or World Combat League on Sportsnet.

I'm really looking forward to heading down to the Rogers Centre in a few weeks and watching El Presidente take some cuts in the cage. Dennis Castro rules. Oh sorry, I mean Dwayne.

Chinese food!

2009-02-17T12:03:00.001-08:00

And another thing... The fact that Russ Adams is still hanging around at the Jays Spring Training Complex is really bothering me. We DFA'd his ass and yet he obviously cleared waivers (why would anyone else want him?) and is back as a non-roster invitee. Can't Russ tell that the Jays are trying to cut him loose?

Here's what I imagine the scene to be right now down in Dunedin...

JP, answering the phone: "Hello?"
Russ Adams: "Hey, it's Russ."
JP: "Let me put your manager on the phone."
Cito Gaston: "Who is this?"
Russ: "Cito, it's me. Hey, listen, I was taking BP the other day, and,
you know what, you were right."
JP, feigning a Chinese, muffled voice: "Chinese food."
Cito, hanging up: "Sorry, Russ, our Chinese food just came. Talk to you later."

later that day in JP's office...

JP: "Oh, Russ, what are you doing here?"
Russ: "Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back."
JP: "Uh... the phone broke."
Cito: "Well, we got to get moving."
Russ: "What? Where are you going?"
Cito: "We have a catered affair."
Russ: "You're going like that?"
Cito, leaving the office: "It's creative black tie."
Russ, checking the fridge in JP's office: "No Chinese leftovers.
Russ is gettin' suspicious!"

20 minutes later in JP's office...

Russ: "Welcome back."
JP: "Oh!"
Russ: "Quick for a... catered affair."
Cito: "I don't know what you mean."
Russ: "You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on!"
Cito: "Russ, we've had it with you. Understand? We love you like a #1 draft pick, but even General Managers and coaches have limits."
JP: "The strikeouts, the fielding errors. And every year with the spring training mistakes."
Cito: "What my friend is trying to say is that this is supposed to be our
time."
Russ: "I'm not following."
Cito: "We're cuttin' you loose."

A boy can dream I suppose.

A long hard winter

2009-02-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

I figure this will be part 1 of a 2 part review of the current state of sports by yours truly, Stan the Caddy. Today, in part 1, I chronicle everything that I am depressed by in the world of sports right now (particularly the teams I cheer for). I call this post the 'Airing of Grievances.' This is basically the worst and lowest point in sports right now for me seasonally. I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about them!

To begin - The Buffalo Bills: The Bills finished up another disappointing 7-9 season, missing the playoffs for the 9th straight year. Our best player just got himself Plaxico-ed and our receiving corps is one of the weakest in the league. I think Denim Vest may be our slot receiver - I don't even know.

We began the 2008 season 5-1, leading me to privately contemplate that 'well even if we go .500 for the rest of the season, we can still nab a wild card.' We didn't nab anything. I had to endure several games of the Waterboy JP Losman at quarterback and I couldn't even go see my favorite team playing in Toronto because the tickets were rediculously expensive for shitty seats. We also have possibly the worst coach in the league save for...well... I don't know. I could always use Herm Edwards as my foil before, but even he got fired. Dick Jauron couldn't smooth a silk sheet if he had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.

Moving on...

The Leafs are playing decent as of late but will not make the playoffs. No great surprise here but still frustrating to accept. Leafs games are too expensive to go to on a regular basis and I hate Leafs TV. While Blake's fist pumps, chronicled by Sports and the City, continue to amuse and excited me, they don't make up for the fact that Toskala just isn't there and I still haven't seen a Grabo - Kostitsyn street fight.

The Raptors suck balls and I don't even like the NBA. No basketball No basketball No basketball No baskeball HEY!

The Jays are mathematically headed for a poor season and another 3rd / 4th place finish in an ultra-competitive AL East. Naturally I still hold out hope that our bats can come alive this year and a few young guys can step up in the rotation, but my doubts are about as large and expansive as Jesse Litsch's man boobs right now. He needs a bro - or maybe a manzier. The miniscule Jays payroll also doesn't inspire confidence and I dread another season of sitting in the 500s with the rabble, cheering for 649 dance competitions and shallow pop flies. I can't be like those people - I won't! The food up there sucks as well, full of mishapen, poorly cut meat. I haven't had a decent sandwich at the Rogers Centre in 13 years.

I just wish I had a lot of money and could buy the Jays and run the operation myself - I think I could be a major league owner - a kick ass owner! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg to play for me! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! First thing I'm gonna need is a driver..

To sum up, I'll soon be taping Canadian Parliament on C-Span if something interesting doesn't happen soon with my teams.

These things don't happen at Dave & Buster's

2009-02-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

You've probably read about my favourite Bill, Marshawn Lynch's arrest just weeks after I got his #23 jersey. What you haven't heard is the story that tells why Lynch thought he needed a gun in the first place. Here's a compilation video that tells this story.

"There ain't no over the back in tha hood!"

2009-02-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

More on Matt Fuckin' Bush

2009-02-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

A great article on the newest prize of the Blue Jays roster is here. First off he compares him to Ryan Leaf, one of the biggest draft busts in sports history, but also decides that Bush is worse than Leaf.

The article mentions that "his career with the Padres ended last week, when police in San Diego investigated allegations that he assaulted two lacrosse players at a local high school, throwing one and hitting another." This reminds me of a Seinfeld character who also carried a bat - Brody the Bootlegger, seen here at his high school reunion. "He's a reasonable man, but he's insane".

Bush also has an incident reminiscent of a favourite Bills player, Ko Simpson, when "the injury prone shortstop-turned-pitcher-turned-suspect drove over a curb and yelled 'I'm Matt (expletive) Bush.'"

The Jays traded either a player to be named later, cash, or hollywood memorabilia for Bush. On the blockbuster trade scale I think this one ranks up there with the Newman-Kramer trade of a motorcycle helmet for a radar detector.

"Oh here's a fact. I'm Matt Bush!"

Lost in Translation

2009-02-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

I've been on a big Manny Ramirez kick as of late. Lots of Manny youtube clips, re-reading his wiki entry to try and comprehend the madness that is Manny, dreaming of how I could collect cans and bottles and drive them to Michigan for a 20 cent refund to pay for Manny's salary as a Jay - you know, normal stuff. Anyways I was thinking about how unreal it would be for Manny Ramirez to meet Marshawn Lynch, my favourite Bills player and arguably one of the most bizarre players in the league today (for those unfamiliar with Beast Mode, check out his interview from last year's Super Bowl for 1 example of his odd yet lovable behaviour). 'The Little Green dude...I mean orange dude.'

I was trying to wrap my head around what that conversation between Manny and Marshawn might sound like, and I finally found the Seinfeldian equivalent:

"Now what would be the point of taking the water?"

Manny and Marshawn. A reality show waiting to happen. Maybe Alexander Ovechkin could be the neighbor across the hall who stops by to say hello too.

"My name's Al Harrington, I make buckets!!!"

2009-02-12T06:49:00.001-08:00

I just want to slowly get everyone psyched for March Madness. Last night was UNC @ Duke (the biggest rivalry in college basketball for those that are less familiar with NCAA hoops). UNC won and is definitely a better team than Duke. I'm getting the sense that this Duke team is ripe for an early exit from the tourney. But the crowd at the game was awesome. Even the greatest NBA game won't have the excitement of a good NCAA game because the crowd is nuts.

Get ready for March Madness and get ready for Gus Johnson.

"I can't stop now! I'm addicted!!"

2009-02-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

Welcome to our new poster, the only man to ever buy a golf club because "Jim Furyk uses it". I expect some big things from his trip to Vegas during March Madness. It only seems right to play oddsmaker on his posting future.

Over/Under:
Total posts: 2.5
Total Seinfeld references: 1.5
Total Fresh Prince references: 6.5

First reference to past crushing defeats:
Xavier vs. Gonzaga -160
Dante Culpepper props +170
Super Bowl national anthem +110

Finally, here's a link to my favourite song that suits this post: Silkworm - Treat the New Guy Right.

The Bush Years

2009-02-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

Word on the street today is that the Jays have acquired 2004 San Diego Padres 1st round draft pick Matt Bush for cash / player to be named later / the rights for the Padres to sell chicken and some some sort of fermented chicken beer at Jays games.

Bush shows some potential but has had a few off-the-field problems, including arrests for assaults (at high schools no less!) and public intoxication.

Fear not, for we will likely be sending Bush to our AAA affiliate in Las Vegas, the perfect place for Bush to finally find the solemn quiet time away from the distractions and sins of city life to work on his personal problems. Except for, you know, the prostitutes and gambling and drugs and alcohol that pervade every inch of Las Vegas.

I give him 2 months before Bush is frequenting Las Vegas bars just like Kramer in this scene:

Here's to feeling good all the time.

Fahey? More like.... Bore-o-phyll!

2009-02-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

If you were to try to visually capture the attitude of Jays fandom regarding our prospects for the 2009 season, I would use the one above. Coincidentally, the image above shows our newest Blue Jay Brandon Fahey, hard at work in Baltimore. I can't wait to insert that .220 average into our already explosive offense. Just look at his swagger and self-confident demeanour - we can't lose!

Competition for nickname for Fahey. Any ideas?

New Feature on the Blog

2009-02-08T13:14:00.000-08:00

New feature on our blog:

"What are you watching on Youtube?"

Directions:
Create a youtube account, watch a shitload of videos, and see what videos are recommended for you. Hit Print Screen and paste that image into Microsoft Paint.

Here's mine:

You will note the following:
- the abundance of violent sports videos
- Major League 1 related videos
- the google search of 'screen capture?' in the top right
- the best youtube username known to man.

Cowboy Up!

YES!!!

2009-02-08T07:15:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning kind of bummed, since it's the first Sunday after the football season ended. What am I supposed to do? I checked the guide for basketball games, thinking that there might be some good NCAA games on. Instead I discovered that Sunday afternoon NBA is back! I used to love Sundays when there was NBA on. I'd get up early, watch TNBC - Hang Time, City Guys - then watch NBA Action (or whatever it was called with Ahmad Rashad) then watch the basketball double-header.

Today is San Antonio @ Boston, then LA @ Cleveland. That second game is going to be great. I've already made it known that I'm predicting the Cavs will take it all this year because LeBron is too good to lose. He is insane. And I read in SI last week that he just started lifting weights this year. I started working out and lifting weights almost a year ago, but I don't look like LeBron yet - 4 more months I guess.

STREET FIGHTER 2

2009-02-06T07:07:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow night, Street Fighter 2! Grabo vs. Kostitsyn! Grabo jumps Sergei in the parking lot before the game. G7!!!!

Also, when you type in Grabovsky Kostitsyn in as a Google Image search, the 2nd image that comes up is my Street Fighter logo from my previous post on the subject. Wow. We've broken through. We're part of popular culture now!

Millar Time

2009-02-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

So the Jays have offered a minor league contract to Kevin Millar. For those not in the know (Travis), Millar is one of the few remaining replacement players from the MLB strike of the mid-90s. As such, he's barred from membership in the MLBPA and his name is not on any on commemorative merchandise from the 2004 Red Sox World Champ team.

I really hope he signs with us. Picture this scene at the Rogers Centre in April:

BRANDON: You know you're infringing on my right to watch batting practice...

USHER: That's not a right.

BRANDON: Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going on strike. Come on Kevin Millar. It's a walk out!

KEVIN MILLAR: No, I got to stay here and play the game today.

BRANDON: What? You're siding with management?!

KEVIN MILLAR: No, I just..

BRANDON: Scab! Scab! Scab!

I love Kevin Millar. Also, according to wikipedia, during the 2003 playoffs, Millar came up with the phrase "Cowboy Up," and in 2004 referred to his team as "idiots" to keep his teammates loose during the stretch run to the World Series Championship.

Give us the AL East title now, bitches.

He's the Wiz! And Nobody Beats Him!

2009-02-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

The Wiz really needs to be a writer for us. Travis, you're a minor celebrity on this blog. If you post on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that famous witty sarcasm of yours and I'll only charge you 60 bucks a year for posting privileges.

That's a big bowl

2009-02-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl predictions:

- Springsteen plays halftime show. Absolutely no one cares.
- 22 man pre-game show involving Boomer, Dan Marino, Sharpe, Sapp, Deion Sanders, and possibly Sal Bass.
- Dick Jauron attends game but not granted entry by spiteful security guard who happens to be a Bills fan. Absolutely no one cares.
- Gary Russell scores not one but 2 TDs to screw over Cousin Sal and anyone listening to the BS Report in the past week.
- Boldin gets in fist fight with the Arizona OC during warm ups, runs away with the game ball during a TV timeout and refuses to relenquish it until the OC draws up at least 1 deep post play just for him. Just for spite, Cardinals play with Larry Fitzgerald and Larry Fitzgerald Sr. as WRs for whole game.
- 'Zona wins - Warner and President Obama go to Disney World together and buy puppies from the same litter. The breed of Dog? a Newfoundland! Jerry the King Lawler on hand for the puppy purchase to incessantly scream 'PUPPIES!' at the top of his lungs.
- Hines Ward, despite the Pittsburgh loss, signs a lucrative promo deal with Heinz Ketchup. Why has this not happened yet?
- Beyonce 'Single Ladies' gets played at least 50 times tonight during time outs. Stan dances in joyous celebration while Dave Dameshek continually listens to 'All the Steeler Ladies' on youtube during the game.
- I win at least 1 proline ticket, but I spend more on the tickets than I take in with my winnings.
- Mylemans loses a $400 Prop ticket because Parker gets injured 2 yards short of his rushing total. Location of Mylemans after game = unknown. Possibly wandering London, naked and screaming in fury. Mylemans adds Willie Parker to his enemies list of Rudi Johnson, Dante Culpepper, and Gary from the last Bills game we went to.

This game will suck.

Hip Hop left...

2009-01-29T08:08:00.000-08:00

Special guest poster: Homer J. Fong

I'm not going to make a pick for the Super Bowl, I'm just going to say that whatever team is responsible for this cannot win.

exiled in siberia

2009-01-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

I've been out of the loop for the past week and a half - my computer was being reformated and I'm a busy mofo. Sports as of now suck anyways because football is almost over and the Blue Jays' offseason has been about as interesting as an episode of Corner Gas. I should add, however, that me, myles and the wiz collaboratively agreed that Alexander Ovechkin is the weirdest athlete around after witnessing his spectacle at the NHL skills comp.

Given the randomness of Ovechkin's public display, I thought you might appreciate these pearls of wisdom from an interview Ovechkin did a while back. Give him a break, he's just learning English.

Reporter: So who do you like to watch on the highlights?
Ovechkin: "Me"

"I saw the rebound and when the puck came to me, I said, 'Oh my, puck,' " said Ovechkin. "I must shoot." - ED - OH MY PUCK!

"The [ice] was no good and I just shot it and I score."

"Did you see when I ended up in the penalty box? I haven't even done anything."

Reporter ~ "What's the greatest thing about playing in the NHL?'
Ovechkin ~ "NHL."
Reporter ~"The NHL?"
Ovechkin ~ Nods head, walks away.

"When I wake up now, I don't have breakfast. I try to make something, but it's no good. I just go to Starbucks and eat chocolate." - ED - This sounds exactly like me!

"Zubie helps me with everything," Ovechkin said. "I don't know something, I just say, 'Hey Zubie, help me.' If I want to go somewhere, I just call him and ask him where [to] go and he tells me."

On another hockey-related note, I thought you might be curious to know what Ray Emery is up to these days. Turns out he's still assaulting people, even though he's been relegated to playing in Russia or Siberia or wherever the hell he is. As a brief sidenote, doesn't the trainer look a lot like Craig Neilans?

In Soviet Russia, goalie punch you!

Brandon driving....

2009-01-16T13:27:00.000-08:00

Quick question for you Stan:

Who's stock has risen more since week 14 of the NFL season: Larry Fitzgerald or Plaxico Burress?

Obviously Fitzgerald has been unstoppable so far in the playoffs, even without Boldin, and is pretty much considered the best WR in the NFL because of it. But he was already in that debate.

After Burress shot himself people like Peter King were saying he would never play again for the Giants and possibly not at all. Since then, the Giants collapsed and it looks more and more like Plax was the most important player on the team that won the Super Bowl and was the best team in the league this season before he shot himself in the leg.

"Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."

2009-01-14T08:10:00.000-08:00

I was watching the Chargers-Steelers game with Wiz and Myles and we were commenting on how it seems every game Vincent Jackson makes one spectacular catch early on, then does nothing for the rest of the game.

I think he's taking a note from George, and trying to go out on a high note. But beware Vincent, Norv Turner (who kind of looks like Kruger?) might just think you're an all star because of those first quarter catches and figure he can get by without LT and Gates. Then you're going to be stuck with all the work while Turner is showing up with "sleep-creases" on his face.

Polamalu dominates game, Rivers a baby gorrila

2009-01-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

Raw deal for Sal yesterday in his picks. Who knew that Delhomme would have the worst game of any QB in NFL history? That was painful to watch. Everyone is now saying that the Cardinals are the '09 version of the '08 Giants, but there's no way that the Arizona defence is even as close to as good as the Giants of last year.

Anyways.

Today's games:

Giants (-3.5) OVER Eagles.
- The Eagles are pretenders. Giants cover the 3.5 spread easily - The Eagles have no decent receivers and if the Giants put any pressure on McNabb, he will collapse like a folding chair under the weight of Newman. The Eagles are Bania in this scene, just happy and thankful to be in the presence of a better and more skilled opponent. That's gold Eli, gold!

Steelers (-5.5) OVER Chargers.
- If I could picture what Norv Turner would say to inspire the Chargers before the game, I think it would be quite similar to this classic scene from Dirty Work where the boss' jokes and insults are inane and lacking in any direction or thought and ultimately do little to either A) inspire or B) intimidate his workers. To inspire his players, Turner calls Rivers a baby gorrila, and says that LT is a bucket of lard on a bad day. Turner ponders aloud to his players: Why doesn't Gates buy a horse and go live in the mountains so he doesn't bother anyone? Turner to team: DON'T MESS UP! Ultimately the boss' jokes and insults fall flat and do little to intimidate his workers, just as Turner's pre-game insults and motivation techniques fall flat. Steelers win big and it will be thanks in large part to a dominating performance from Troy Polamalu (pictured above) and I'm dancing just like Carlton in celebration:

Go suck some sand Tomlinson.

Some real hockey shit

2009-01-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

Grabovsky vs. Kostitsyn.
The real deal.
Check out what Grabo said last night after the game:

"I think he is not Belarussian now, he is French because I never fight with Belarussian guys," Grabovski said. "I don't know why he wants to fight with me. If he wants to fight, we'll go in the street and every minute of every day I'll wait for him and we'll fight.""

'Every Day' Grabovsky rules. Hell ya! Street Fightin!

G SEVVVVVVVVVVEN!

Am I dead?

2009-01-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

I went 4-0 last weekend on my picks. Miracle! (I'm picking Saturday's games and Stan will pick Sunday's).

Baltimore +3 @ Tennessee

I really have no idea who will win this game. The offenses seem pretty much even: Collins = Flacco, McClain = White, McGahee = Johnson, neither have great receivers. But I'm going with Baltimore for these reasons.

i. I've been playing Madden lately with Baltimore and have finally won the Super Bowl on All-Madden level. They are really good.
ii. I always like to have Derrick Mason on my fantasy team. He brings that veteran leadership that keeps everyone else in line.
iii. I've been obsessed with the show 'How I Met Your Mother' lately. There's one episode where Barney explains The Cheerleader Effect. This is when there is a large groups of girls that look really hot - its too good to be true. However, Barney realizes that they only look hot when they are all together as a group - like a cheerleaders. When you look at them each individually, none of them are that hot. I think that can be said about the Ravens. Okay, they have a few hot girls (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed), but no one else on the team is that hot. All together they are Marisa Tomei.

Baltimore 16 - Tennessee 15

(note: I almost changed this pick after reading Simmons' picks column to Tennessee, but then I remembered Playoff Manifesto rule #69: Never get swayed by Bill Simmons' picks because he is always wrong.)

Carolina -10 vs. Arizona

Carolina is way better than Arizona. Arizona never wins on the road and especially not on the east coast. I'm still worried about the 10 point spread though. That is a lot of points for a playoff game, and Carolina doesn't usually blow teams out. Don't be surprised if Carolina wins by only 6 or 7.

Carolina 31 - Arizona 20

Well what kind of a day was it?

2009-01-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

You have no idea how happy I am about all of this behind-the-scenes trash talking about Brett Favre currently ongoing with Thomas Jones and the NY Jets. It made me think of an incredible scene where Jerry, thanks to Kramer's advice, has an epiphany about the reality of marriage. I really think Mangini and the Jets should have had this discussion with the Packers front office before acquiring Favre.

Mangini: We were talking about our offense and we kind of realized we suck. We're not good.
McCarthy: So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there a better quarterback available?"
Mangini: Yes. We did.
McCarthy: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.
Mangini: There isn't?
McCarthy: Absolutely not. I mean, who are you thinking about, Eric? Brett Favre?
Mangini: Well...
McCarthy: It's a prison. Man made prison. You're doing time. You go to practice in the morning. he's there. You go watch film at night. he's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to run the ball. Is it all right if I run a HB sweep now?
Mangini: Really?
McCarthy: Yeah, and you can forget about conservative passing games.
Mangini: I can?
McCarthy: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's time to throw into double coverage. And you know what you do after your drive?
Mangini: What?
McCarthy: You talk about his interceptions. What happened with the interception? Did you really mean to throw it into triple coverage? Well, what kind of an interception was it? Was it a bad interception or a good interception?
Mangini: Boy.
McCarthy: It's sad , Eric. It's a sad state of affairs..

At any rate, I am thoroughly enjoying watching Favre's career go up in flames. Step off, Favre. Step off.

Wild Card Wresults

2009-01-04T09:29:00.001-08:00

Ok so we didn't get actual lines in on time, but we would have been 1-1 for Saturday's games.

Here's my thoughts on Sunday:

Baltimore (-3.5) over MIAMI - Easy pick. Miami is garbage. Did you know that Chad Pennington has won 2 Comeback Player of the Year awards? That is embarassing. Yeah he's been good 2 seasons in his career, but that means he has been awful in at least 2 other seasons. One of those awards would be nice, but 2 is just embarasing. Why don't you give me an award since I pay my Rogers bill on time about 40% of the time. 80% of the time, Chad Pennington sucks all the time.

Philly (-3.5) over MINNY - Philly is on a tear, and McNabb's dance moves proves that he's in the zone right now. Unless Peterson scores 4 tds, I don't see the Vikings winning this game.

Other thoughts
- Ko Simpson sounds like an idiot. Congratulations, you play for the BUFFALO BILLS. He might as well have just been shouting 'I drive a Dodge Stratus!' at the cop.